16: Holidays with My New Family

I come from a very large family, so moving into a household with 33 other people wasn't as big a jump as it would be for some others. Even so, being physically away from everyone all of a sudden, with several layers of communication silence stacked up between us as well, was not easy to get used to.

Here are a few examples of the ways my family and friends acknowledged this wall that went up between us. Remember, this was before email, so I sent and received many actual letters back then instead. The dates you see are the date they wrote the letter, not the date I received it.

July 2, 1993 letter from my mother:  

Three days have passed since you entered your new life, and I'm so anxious to hear from you. Are you adjusting to your new schedule and chores? Daddy and I were very impressed with the residence and residents. I was telling everybody about some of the rooms--yours, the parlor with parrot and cockatiels, the dining room, and of course the beautifully large living room upstairs. Brother Michael and Fathers Tom and Frank were so very hospitable--we enjoyed the two hours we spent very much. It truly made the separation much easier than I had expected. Thank Brother Joe for the button and laminated prayers and thoughts he gave us. It was a real pleasure to meet him... It's very quiet here today, and I'm expecting a phone call from "Brother Sean". Each time the phone rings, I think it will be him. You said in about 3 days you would call! ... And I sure would like to hear from you as often as possible, although I understand about cutting some ties--but I am your mother and always will be...

September 24, 1993 P.S. at the end of a letter from my friend Dennis:

I tried to call you a couple of times, but they said you were unavailable. Also, since I missed the Yearbook Barbecue, I stopped in on 9/16 to pick it up and see you, but the receptionist said you were not allowed to see guests.

October 16, 1993 letter from my friend Brendan:

I have tried to contact you every way I can except by carrier pigeon. I call up and leave messages for you under names ranging from John Brown [our manager at A&P] to Linda C [my cousin's name] using my phone number. So I figure I will try to mail a letter and hope you reply.

For the record, I never even heard about these visits and phone calls most of the time, unless and until someone told me about them in a subsequent letter.

From the October, 1993 issue of the Tarmac, the Chaminade High School newsletter sent to all families.

Three events worth sharing from the Fall of 1993:

• First, my brother Rob and sister-in-law Trish got married on September 11, 1993. I was very excited to be able to attend, and was honored to read a prayer at the start of the reception.

• Second, Dr. Herbert Wheeler, my Economics professor at Manhattan College, died suddenly midway through my first semester at the school. A new professor showed up one day to break the news. We heard Dr. Wheeler had two seats on the New York Stock Exchange, so perhaps the stress was just too much for him.

• And third, on December 7th, a crazed gunman on the Long Island Rail Road killed 6 people and wounded 19 others just over a mile from Chaminade High School, one stop before the Mineola station nearest us. As it turns out, Brother Robert Fachet, one of my recruiters who I mentioned in the last blog entry, was on the train just behind this one coming back from a class at The New School in Manhattan. As this was before cell phones, we all waited anxiously for details on his whereabouts until he finally phoned to say he was okay.

I'm not sure when exactly it was, perhaps around Halloween that year, but as October ended and November began, I learned for the first time that I would not be able to see my family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other holiday. The brothers were my family now, and that was that. In a way, this news was in itself a test for the four of us as young brothers. If we couldn't accept these new requirements for our new life as Marianist brothers, we could have instead chosen to leave the order right then and there. We all stayed.

As most who know me well will tell you, however, I'm just not built like that. I don't cut and run, choosing instead to try to make any difficult job, situation, or friendship work despite the warning signs along the way. On this occasion in that room, the small private library/meeting room above the chapel, we all looked at each other and nodded, understanding this was simply the way things needed to be. The brothers were our family now, and it was important to spend the most special days together with them.

We could visit our family once every 6-8 weeks or so on a Sunday afternoon. Like Mormon missionaries, we always traveled in twos, so another young brother would drop me off at my family's house around 1:30, and then pick me up again around 8:30. On December 26th, I was finally allowed to visit my family again for the first time since early or mid-November (the first time since the holidays started), and since one of the gifts that year was a small diary, what follows here are my entries for December 26th and 27th.

This is the first of several diaries I wrote in throughout my time as Brother Sean.

12-26-93

Dear Diary,

Well, I just got home from visiting the folks. Everyone looked good. I visited Laura, Kevin, and their family. Mark, Brendan, Lex, and Dennis came over. Mark looked good, seemed very happy--Anna doing well. Lex was the same as always--I'm happy that he hasn't changed. Brendan was the same--Melanie at A&P, saw her--all is well--saw Cheryl, Joe O'Flanagan, and Ken McBride. Dennis looked good, seemed happy, but he needs friends. I hope the guys stay in contact with him.

Got gifts: Mo & Barry: diary, Peggy: Club Room button sweater, Mom & Dad: sweater and deck of cards, Aunt Jane: Thomas Merton's No Man Is An Island + Traditions plaid shirt.

Good to see everyone. Joe V [also in the Novitiate but joined a year or two before us, my driving companion this visit] came in and met Bill, Tricia, Rob & Trish, Mom & Dad. Joe really was nice to them and his great personality seemed to make an excellent impression of the Brothers to them. I am very happy in religious life, and the changes that I have been making in my life prove true with my visit, in that it seemed to show with my blood family and my friends from high school.

Well, getting tired. Will go down and snack briefly before retiring. Until tomorrow--

Yours in the Faith,
-Sean, S.M. 

I knew even then that I had started to change, grown up in a way, grown in maturity and confidence, and because I had a choice between complaining and committing, I committed.

12-27-93

Dear Diary,

Went to NY city with Chris, John, Ben, Joe, Jim Williams, Fr. Frank, Bros. Michael Joseph and Michael John, Bro. Jim Conway, Peter, and Tim. Saw Dead Sea Scrolls and ate dinner at Peking Duck restaurant in Chinatown. Came back--wrote to Mark P. and played paddle-ball with Ben and Joe V. Things are good--nice day--will probably play cards and watch TV before retiring. Until tomorrow--

Yours in Christ Jesus,

-Bro. Sean

And I'll close this blog entry (and effectively the 1993 portion of this entire blog series) with this note I added to that same diary page above a few years later in 1998, after I had left the religious life, echoing a phrase I used in my entry of December 27th above:

12-4-98

"Things are good" -- Fr. Philip used to say that the time just after entering the community was like the honeymoon after a wedding. The soul work hadn't started yet, and I had no idea what was in store for me!

 

Coming Next Week: That Kind of Love