23: Letters from the Monastery

Today I'm sharing parts of two letters I wrote to my friend Brendan in late winter and early spring of 1994. I've edited out some private info, but otherwise sharing the second one in full, and just a short exchange from the first, a story which hopefully shows how fun the monastery was at times. In between the two is a single line from a letter my friend wrote to me in April of 1994, one which is just as poignant now as it was then.

I saved everything, so while I'm not sharing each letter I received or sent in that time, it's been really nice rereading old correspondence as I prepare these reflections.

The name's Brennan. Brother Brennan. (Brother Sean more often though back then.)

Quick refresher:

I attended Chaminade High School as a freshman, failed out at the end of the school year, and then enrolled in Kellenberg Memorial High School the summer before my sophomore year. Both high schools are run by the Marianists (Society of Mary/S.M.), a religious order of brothers and priests. Two weeks after graduating Kellenberg, I joined the Marianist order and moved into the monastery connected to Chaminade (the same school I was thrown out of three years earlier, the school my closest friends at the time all graduated from).

I've added a few notes from future me here as well.

February 23, 1994

Dear Brendan...

Fr. Ernest and I were talking about you when Bro. Joseph Genovese asked, "Oh, how is Brendan doing?" I was taken back and said, "You know Brendan?" So he said, "No. I've only been teaching for thirty years and Brendan was only here for four years, so how could I know him?" Needless to say, my comments sparked a little sarcasm in his voice! Then Bro. John McGrory jumped in with, "Actually, Sean, Brendan was just your invisible friend. No one knew him while he was here." Yes, Brendan, I get the same ragging from the Brothers as I always got from you and Lex!"

I've always been an easy target! Joe Genovese, John McGrory, and I worked together on the kitchen crew for most of my time in the order. Brother Tom Cleary was the head of the kitchen and Joe and John were his amazing deputies. I was privileged to work with them all while I was there!

April 12, 1994

Dear Sean,

How is religious life treating you in the 90s?

This kind of out-of-the-box thinking is one of Brendan's trademarks, and one of the many reasons we were such great friends back then. He and our friend Lex always had a big-picture perspective about life that my hyper-focused brain simply couldn't grasp at the time.

April 14, 1994

Dear Brendan,

Well, a lot has happened since the last time we spoke. I passed my road test on March 16th. It truly was an elating experience. That evening, we had a combined faculty party celebrating St. Patrick's Day and St. Joseph's Day. Both the Chaminade and the Kellenberg faculties were there [in the Chaminade High School cafeteria]. During the cocktail hour, I spoke with my tennis coach [I adored her] as well as several other Kellenberg teachers. Bro. Lahey and I joked with her about what it took to have a good serve. Needless to say, I had a nice evening. Throughout the night, as teachers and Brothers learned that I had passed my road test, they came up and congratulated me. As you know, support like that really makes me happy. [In a similar letter to my friend Lex, I wrote, "As you know me very well, this adulation really made my day".]

I did very well on my midterm grades, with one C+, one B, and 3 B+'s. For me, this was an improvement. My task at hand now is to keep those grades up, and if possible (and it always is), raise them by the end of the semester.

I registered yesterday for my fall courses at Manhattan. I will be taking five courses next semester: Introduction to Philosophy, Central Themes in Hebrew Scripture, Medieval Philosophy, Religion and Psychology, and a course all about Jesus. I am looking forward to the upcoming year, as it is the most important year of my formation. On Sunday, May 29th, 1994, I will make my novitiate promises. Beginning with a summer course at Manhattan entitled, "Roots of the Modern Age: Philosophy", and complemented by special bonus house classes here at Chaminade, my novitiate year will have begun. As I may have told you before, the novitiate year culminates with my first vows to the religious life in May of 1995.

But before all that, our province will first celebrate the entrance of our newest member. A senior at Kellenberg, he will enter the community on June 22nd and will make his aspirancy promises on July 3rd. So the four novices and one aspirant will be making the daily trip to Manhattan College next semester.

As you may have already heard, Joseph recently chose not to renew his vows and thus returned to his parents' house. This event has hurt our community on the emotional level, as it is hard to lose a member of one's family [a word for the community I did not use lightly]. I was personally very hurt by this, since he and I had traveled to and from school together with the other young brothers, and thus had built a friendship which I had hoped to keep building. However, I still see him at Manhattan from time to time and I keep him in my prayers. I would ask you, very seriously, to pray for Joseph. Readjusting to the "real world" will be very, very hard for him and he needs all our prayers.

[I find this fascinating to re-read 27 years later. I'd already been so conditioned by my environment that I truly believed Joe would be flailing like a fish out of water after he left the community. I was on the outside of the world looking in, but I genuinely felt like I was on the real inside, and only looking out at the rest of the world with pity.]

I will be visiting my family on Saturday, April 23, 1994 in celebration of my niece's first holy communion. The ceremony is at St. Christopher's in Baldwin at 1:30 pm, and from there I will go over to my sister's house for an informal party for my niece. The other young Brothers will be visiting on the following day, so I will be traveling alone with whichever car I can get my hands on. Remember, you are allowed to write back to me in response to this letter. I would appreciate it, but (and here comes the martyr routine), I'll understand if you don't have any time to write back.

[Glad to see I had the tiniest bit of self-knowledge by this point, but sad to see I was still laying it on so thick, especially as he and others sometimes told me I didn't write them often enough either.]

So how are you doing? Will you be continuing next semester at Nassau Community? Remember that whatever your decision is, it's always your decision and you can change your mind as often as you like. This is a period of focusing for all of us.

[Was I talking to him or to myself? Both, I suspect, but 18-year-old me would have never admitted that!]

I have confidence that wherever you go, and whatever you choose to study, you'll do well for yourself. You have a gift I wish I had: intelligence. I know I have it in me, and I'm getting there, but it's a struggle. Don't get me wrong; I know you work hard for the grades you get, but you've always had the ability to absorb facts easier than I can.

Well, tennis season is back! Last Sunday, Bro. Nigel and I went out for half an hour to get back into the "swing of things", you might say. It was fun, but it started to rain, and I had an early meeting with the Provincial, Bro. George Endres, so we had to cut it short. This coming Sunday, [Nigel] and I plan to go out and play for a couple hours, weather permitting. Remember the tennis tournaments? [In high school, I often planned tennis tournaments for all the kids in my neighborhood.] I guess that was just part of my "natural tendency", [a phrase Brendan used against me, though lovingly.] but I have a lot of memories from those days [high school already felt like a previous lifetime at that point]. I'm sure you do too. I miss you a lot, Brendan, and I hope you will write back. Please pray for me, and pray for Joe as well. Life is a mystery to be answered, and sometimes we get lost in the forest while trying to sort things out.

Your brother in Christ Jesus,


Brother Sean Patrick Brennan, S.M.

I was lost in the forest alright. One I willingly chose to enter, yeah, but at least I was self-aware of the fact to admit it, if only through throwaway quips.

My Novice Master once told me that people often share great truths about themselves while joking. He used this against me, including times when it didn't apply at all, but he was right about it sometimes too. I did do this, and I still do. Pain has an innate ability and natural tendency to overflow the pressurized containers we stuff it in.

Coming Next Time: A Novice is Born